Giving sweetness to another’s soul: The kindness of a compliment
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Rev. John Zehring
After “The Christian Citizen” published one of my articles, I received the gift of an unexpected compliment about it. The compliment was not long, but was well-written and struck the bullseye. It made my day. It made my whole week. I was reminded of the proverb: “Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body” (Proverbs 16:24).
You know how good that feels, when a compliment to you is well-placed and hits the target to lift you up. We get the other kind too. Complaints. Negative words. They don’t lift up. They don’t encourage. They don’t build. But in our fragile little worlds, what a joy it is to receive a good word from another. The sweetness to my soul made me wonder how I do at offering the same gift to others, even in ordinary times and places. The gift tasted so sweet that it made me want to share the nectar with others. Receiving a compliment is one of those small mercies of life that almost goes unnoticed to the world, but not to the receiver. It can change the polarity of a day. It can notch up self-esteem and self-worth. It feels good and creates sunshine on the path ahead for miles to come. It is not hard to do, although to do it well takes a bit of practice and concentration – like any art. Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity to give sweetness to another’s soul and even health to the body. In 1896, psychologist William James’s students at Radcliffe College sent him a potted azalea plant. In response, he wrote a letter to the class, sharing with them one of his most insightful quotes: “the deepest principle of human nature is the craving to be appreciated...” When a compliment is shared, the receiver feels appreciated.
An encouraging word is an expression of kindness. I think Micah’s (6:8) three actions of what God expects of us – to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with our God – are interwoven. What is wrought in the one is woven into the fabric of the others. One without the others is incomplete. Loving kindness is a way of walking with our God. Practicing kindness is a way of doing justice. Doing justice or walking with God, without kindness, rings hollow.
Samuel Taylor Coleridge wrote, “The happiness of life…is made up of minute fractions — the little soon-forgotten charities of a kiss, a smile, a kind look, a heartfelt compliment…” As I consider the value of complimenting another, I look to people who do it well and make observations about their art and skill of giving sweetness to another’s soul. Here are suggestions I think they would share with us.
Pay attention. Keep on the lookout for ways to offer a good word. Keep watch for behavior to use as the basis of a good word. Remind yourself each morning to search for an opportunity to compliment another. Little things count. A compliment doesn’t have to be life-transforming, but can make a person’s day and is remembered.
Receiving a compliment is one of those small mercies of life that almost goes unnoticed to the world, but not to the receiver.
Focus upon the other person more than upon yourself. Make that your gift. Give of your own need to be listened to, so that you might listen to another. Give of your own need to talk. Center upon them.
The more specific, the better. Generalized compliments are not taken as seriously as one which references a specific act or accomplishment. For example, instead of “That was a great speech,” use “I liked how you made eye contact with me and everyone in the room – it felt like you were talking right to me.”
Pass on a good word you heard spoken by another, which is a double compliment. The receiver becomes grateful to you and to the other person who said something good about them. And they appreciate that you overheard the compliment about them.
Send a handwritten note. Notes are remembered. Everybody sends emails or texts. You stand out when you send a handwritten note, and there is a high likelihood it will be cherished, saved, and reviewed again. I heard about a high school teacher who scanned the local newspaper, and especially the school paper, with an eye towards accomplishments of her students. Then she would send a brief note, sometimes only a sentence or two, with a compliment. She noticed. Isn’t that what often makes our accomplishments worthwhile – to be noticed by someone special?
Use the delayed reaction approach. It’s rarely too late to offer a good word. In fact, sometimes it feels better if you can point to an accomplishment a few weeks or months ago and say, “I remember how you…” The fact that you offer a good word AND that you remembered adds to the impact.
Begin with those nearest and dearest… those you care about most. They care more than anyone what you think. Interestingly, sometimes we rarely receive a true compliment that lifts our spirits from the people we care about most. Imagine a visit from your sibling, parent, or child who never seems to notice or mention the things that you value or consider important. Choose the other path: Find a good word for members of your family, friends, staff, neighbors, and teammates.
Seek to lift up people who are least likely to receive compliments. When you encounter people on the margins of society, people in the lowest ranks of employment, those with the least resources, those who are troubled or in trouble, or people who are in need or hurting, make the time to offer them a good word which lifts up and gives some sweetness to their soul. Everyone is made in the image of God. A genuine compliment recognizes and honors that dignity.
Proverbs 16:24 reminds us that “Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.” As much as we would like to be the receiver of pleasant words, let us shift our mission and ministry to become the giver of pleasant words and bring sweetness to the soul and health to the body of others.
Rev. John Zehring worked in higher education for a couple decades and then served United Church of Christ congregations as a pastor in Massachusetts, Rhode Island, and Maine. He is the author of dozens of books. His most recent book from Judson Press is “Get Your Church Ready to Grow: A Guide to Building Attendance and Participation.”
The views expressed are those of the author and not necessarily those of American Baptist Home Mission Societies.
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