What I learned for ministry from being a mother
Photograph by Benjamin Manley via Unsplash
Rev. Margaret Marcuson
I’ve been a mother for most of my life in ministry. I’ve learned much from motherhood that has helped me in my work. I have a daughter and a son who are now in their 30s. They are older than I was when I began my ministry. I continue to learn from them!
Here are a few lessons I learned.
The value of play. When you have small children, you have to play with them. When I had fun with my kids, everything went better. The more I can bring a lighthearted spirit to my ministry, the better for everyone.
The more I cared about whether my kids got along, the worse they got along. When I could let them work it out, the better they got along. In ministry, it’s easy to try to fix other people’s relationships. Mostly, it wears you out and doesn’t help.
Not to chase after people with my great ideas. When the kids were teenagers, I learned when their eyes glazed over, I should stop talking. They weren’t listening anyway. Preachers talk a lot. We don’t always notice when people stop listening. My kids helped me learn to pay attention to signals others were giving me.
My own trigger points. Nothing will teach you more about yourself than having toddlers — or teenagers — in the house. I like to control how things go. That doesn’t work with children — and it doesn’t work in ministry. When I was able to let go more, both parenting and ministry went better.
I have to remind myself that God accepts me apart from my ability or success as a parent or as a leader. As family leaders and church leaders, we don’t always measure up to our own principles. But whether you are a church leader or a family leader or both, God’s grace is present.
Parenting is leadership: six principles
When my kids were teenagers, I came up with six principles for parenting teens. These apply equally to leadership. Being a parent is being a leader.
1. You need to be clear about what you will and won’t tolerate in how they relate to you and function in the household.
2. The more they make decisions and take responsibility for their life and future, the better.
3. You cannot control their behavior, only how you relate to them.
4. It’s counterproductive to hover, nag, or give them lectures “for their own good.”
5. When you respect the boundary between you and them, it is good for you and good for them.
6. Setting goals for your own life, rather than goals for their lives, is better for you and better for them.
We often talk about the “church family.” However, a church is not a family. The talk about “family” can get in the way of clear thinking, setting of goals and limits, and moving forward. Still, these principles apply to leadership in church life as well. You need a “bottom line,” that clarity about what you will and won’t tolerate. Others need to take responsibility for their own future. Not to mention the church as a whole. You need to focus on your own functioning and goals. Don’t try to control or convince others. Recognize that your sense of yourself does not depend on the “success” of your leadership efforts.
I have to remind myself that God accepts me apart from my ability or success as a parent or as a leader. As family leaders and church leaders, we don’t always measure up to our own principles. But whether you are a church leader or a family leader or both, God’s grace is present.
Note: Read about what I learned from my mother for ministry here.
Rev. Margaret Marcuson is an American Baptist minister and author of several books: “Leaders Who Last,” “Money and Your Ministry,” and “Sustainable Ministry”(forthcoming).
The views expressed are those of the author and not necessarily those of American Baptist Home Mission Societies.
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