This Mother’s Day make your mother happy — ask her advice
Photograph by Nani Chavez via Unsplash
Rev. Margaret Marcuson
Mother’s Day is coming up. Along with the cards and flowers, it’s a complicated day. It brings up grief if your mother has died. Both living and deceased mothers can stir up mixed feelings of all sorts. No mother is perfect, and some are far less than perfect. Mother-child relationships can be complicated, wonderful, excruciating, and growth-producing. It’s true even in adulthood.
This Mother’s Day I have a suggestion: Find a challenge you are facing in your ministry or life. Then ask your mother’s advice. Why would I suggest that? For many of us, our mothers gave us the first lessons on who we are. As spiritual leaders, we continue to develop that “self” day by day and year by year. Asking Mom for advice is one way to go back to the source in your own development.
You may say, my mother is gone. Or she has dementia. Or we don’t have much of a relationship. Or she’s not a church person.
If your mother is living, try it anyway. It doesn’t matter whether or not she gives you useful advice. You are connecting with her in a different way. Some mothers will like this better than a card or flowers.
You may be surprised by what she says. Or she may say exactly what you predicted. It may be valuable or not for the real problem at hand. Yet whatever your mother says, I predict you will be less anxious and clearer after the conversation than you were before. Simply connecting with “the source” may make a difference.
For many of us, our mothers gave us the first lessons on who we are. As spiritual leaders, we continue to develop that “self” day by day and year by year. Asking Mom for advice is one way to go back to the source in your own development.
Sometimes people say, “I don’t want her to worry.” We protect our parents from the challenges we face. However, the older generation can help carry the anxieties of the younger. They’ve seen more than we have. They have a longer perspective. It won’t kill her. And it may help her feel more connected to you. And vice versa.
Take this on as a research project. Curiosity is one of the best ways to handle intense family relationships. So, be curious about how she responds. Does she surprise you? Does she say the same old thing? Does she spiritualize? If you don’t like her advice, don’t argue. Just say thank you. Then reflect — is there an element of truth in it? Could you adapt it to make it workable?
One pastor I coach asked his mother how to deal with a challenging woman in his congregation. Not coincidentally, this was someone much like his mother. His mom told him not to take the woman so seriously. To his surprise, the next time he saw the woman, he felt much lighter about it. Asking his mother’s advice shifted his relationship with this church member. He didn’t take her typical patterns and responses to heart. He was more able to accept her as she was.
What if your mother is gone? Or has dementia? You can still do this exercise. No, you don’t have to conjure up her ghost. Simply try a paper conversation. I recommend you write by hand. Alternate your questions and thoughts with what you imagine your mother might say to you. Trust me: you’ve got an internalized mother in there. Set a timer for 5-10 minutes, use pen and paper ideally, and go! My mother died in 2011. I needed to have a challenging conversation with some colleagues. So, I did this writing exercise myself. “Mom” helped me get clearer and calmer as I wrote. I had a better sense of what to say.
What’s a question you could ask your mother?
Rev. Margaret Marcuson is an American Baptist minister and author of several books: “Leaders Who Last,” “Money and Your Ministry,” and “Sustainable Ministry”(forthcoming).
The views expressed are those of the author and not necessarily those of American Baptist Home Mission Societies.
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