Patriarchy harms everyone — men, too
Photograph by Chad Witbooi via Pexels
Nathan Perrin
Every Wednesday night, I gather with a group of guys from my broad recovery world at Panera to talk about self-growth and becoming better men. I grew up around a fundamentalist culture that taught that men had a God-given mandate to rule and govern their households and that saw women as submissive helpers. That kind of programming takes a lifetime to commit to undoing, due to continuing patriarchy in society and complementarian Christianity.
Women lacked autonomy in the spaces I grew up in. They were there simply to make the men look better and to keep the household in check. This theology harmed me in several ways, but I found healing eventually in genuine friendships with women and being pastored to by women ministers. I never really thought of myself as being particularly misogynist but looking back I see the factors that were pushing me in that direction. I also went to a very egalitarian Bible college and seminary that helped show me the shallowness of the complementarian doctrine.
When I entered recovery twelve-step spaces, I found the same problems with other men. In particular, they struggled to get in touch with their emotions and how to treat their wives better. I realized, in listening to their stories, that they felt they weren’t allowed to show their true emotions growing up. They were expected to put up with deep family dysfunction with a stiff upper lip. The only emotions they were allowed to show were anger and a sense of pseudo-stoicism. This led them down a path of addiction or codependency, because when they weren’t allowed to express emotion, they sought relief in other ways. Some did it through pornography, others did it through alcohol, some tried to control their marriages and the relationship in the process.
I have also found that many men, younger ones in particular, are influenced by the online “manosphere” and its misogynist propaganda. At first, when I heard a lot of guys in my meetings repeating these points, I was taken aback. They weren’t the usual crowd I hung around. But the more we talked and dived into our recovery work, they eventually realized that women weren’t the problem, but it was rather their own trauma and their isolation. The recent shocking expose about the “online rape academy” by CNN underscores the urgent need for accountable male friendships and community.
Jesus loved and cherished women and committed to listening to their stories. Jesus models this attitude for us by crossing social boundaries to have a conversation with the Samaritan woman at the well. He goes out of his way to listen to her story, and the result is the longest theological conversation recorded in the Gospels.
I believe men stepping into these conversations with other men is an essential step in helping dismantle patriarchy and misogyny. As Dr. Lisa Sugiura shares in her dissertation The Incel Rebellion: “[M]en should be part of the conversation about sexual harassment and assault, and they do not need to lead the debate, but they can listen and support the experiences of women and girls. Most men aren’t violent, but enough are, and certainly, all men have a role in tackling the problem.”[i]
When I heard feminist critiques like Sugiura’s, I was eventually able to help men see that they were really critiquing patriarchy and toxic masculinity, rather than manhood itself. These conversations were powerful because these men, perhaps for the first time in their lives, felt like they belonged. In an era where loneliness and isolation are seen as epidemics, the act of hospitality and helping people feel seen can help people grow in community with one another.
I didn’t intentionally set out to make these conversations happen. They naturally evolved over the course of two years, leading into vulnerable male friendships where we all encourage each other to be the best version of ourselves. God was in the details, as a mentor of mine frequently likes to say.
When we give space to acknowledge the realities of patriarchy and how much harm it has done to everyone, we take a step forward in growth and spirituality. Jesus loved and cherished women and committed to listening to their stories. Jesus models this attitude for us by crossing social boundaries to have a conversation with the Samaritan woman at the well. He goes out of his way to listen to her story, and the result is the longest theological conversation recorded in the Gospels.
For men, courage is required to look inside ourselves and commit to being part of the broader solution. We must be willing to believe the experiences of women and other genders and realize we have a role to play in the egalitarian and feminist version of society. We have immense worth, and our own liberation is deeply tied to the liberation of our sisters.
Nathan Perrin (he/him/his) is a writer and Anabaptist pastor in Chicagoland. He holds an MA in Quaker Studies and is a doctoral student studying Christian Community Development at Northern Seminary. His doctorate work centers on creating a writing program for nonprofits and churches to use to help under-resourced communities process trauma. His work has been published in the Dillydoun Review, Bangalore Review, Collateral Journal, Esoterica Magazine, etc. His forthcoming novella Memories of Green Rivers will be released in 2026 by Running Wild Press. He is also a screenwriter. For more information, visit www.nathanperrinwriter.com
The views expressed are those of the author and not necessarily those of American Baptist Home Mission Societies.
[i] Sugiura, Lisa. The Incel Rebellion: The Rise of the Manosphere and the Virtual War Against Women (Emerald Studies in Digital Crime, Technology and Social Harms). Emerald Publishing Limited. Kindle Edition, p. 127.
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